Saying Goodbye, Letting Go, Moving On

•April 10, 2012 • Comments Off on Saying Goodbye, Letting Go, Moving On

It’s been weeks since I last wrote something for this blog. As Andrina said, I’ve been very busy at work. Actually, I was also losing interest in James (it took me a while to recall his name haha) that’s why I didn’t like to write. We have actually managed to drift away from each other during the last few weeks of February. Come March I was almost sure I would tell him goodbye. I was trying to avoid it in a way because I wasn’t sure  of what I’ll feel afterwards but his general attitude towards me during that time didn’t convince me to give whatever we have another try.

Before the Holy Week I told Andrina that  I think I’ll say goodbye to James the day after we ‘celebrate’ our first year anniversary — first day of being introduced, that is. My idea is that if he doesn’t remember to greet me that day that would mean he isn’t really interested.

That day came and I didn’t get a text message from him. So at about 12:10 am (the day after) I said goodbye. He said some bad words which rather confused me. I didn’t feel bad about the breakup actually. What bothered me was his reply. The next day he tried to be cool about it. He sent text messages like ‘how are you?’ and ‘what are you doing?’ — those nonsense stuff. I played along thinking that he just wants to be ‘okay’. Andrina said James is trying to save whatever is left of what we had. Which was actually proven correct the following days.

In one of our exchanges of text messages I called him James. He said I no longer call him ‘baby’. I said there is no point in calling him that because we are already officially off. He  said a few sarcastic remarks which I just let go. I didn’t reply. That  was a few days ago and he hasn’t sent any message since — something which I am actually happy about.

I wish he will not send messages anymore. I am happy where I am now. I have fully moved on. Maybe I was really over him even before the day I said goodbye.

Yesterday Andrina said one of our GB friends (neither Ella nor Jess) told her that what she had with her regular at Earthling was hard to forget. I said it’s easy if you really  want to. That’s what happened with me and James. But I really can’t say I’m correct 100 %. Maybe what she had with that MD is different from what James and I had.

Anyway, in one of Andrina’s latest blogs she said I may already have someone new in the background. While I do have a new inspiration (not an MD this time) I  can say he will remain just as an inspiration for the time being. Let me call him Monk here. I do not foresee any relationship coming in the near future. Monk has a girlfriend although Andrina and I feels he is gay — he probably is  just hiding it or he is not sure about it just yet. Maybe his presence in my life now has helped in making the moving on phase very easy. His presence may have actually diverted my attention away from James. But please remember that I am not recommending that you find a Monk for yourself if you want to move on from a painful breakup (mine wasn’t painful haha). Monk just happened to be there during the time I was losing my interest in James.

Hmmmm. Why am I writing this post?

1. I want you to know that James and I  are no longer together and I hope he stops bothering me for good.

2. I want to tell you all that when you feel no more love for your partner, say goodbye. Plain and simple. Do not hold on because you are afraid that you’ll be sad afterwards or because you still like the idea of having someone in your life. If love longer exists, say goodbye.

3. I want to tell you that loving someone is different from loving the feeling of being in love. I don’t know how to explain this. Basta!

4. I want to tell you that letting go and moving on is not always difficult.

That’s about it.

It’s rather unfortunate that I cannot tell you my stories about Monk here. This isn’t just the right venue, you know. He is not an MD and this blog happens to be about  MDs. Maybe I’ll create another blog for that. Just watch out.  Wink!

 

What to do when Unexpected Situations Happen Inside a GayBar

•February 17, 2012 • Comments Off on What to do when Unexpected Situations Happen Inside a GayBar

This is the first time I’m going to do a post like this in this blog. It just stemmed from recent experiences in gay bars. So what is this post about? It is about the things that you can do when unexpected situations happen inside a gay bar.

1. LAP DANCE

Some macho dancers approach some guests to give them lap dances. This is of course to get tips or in gay bar terms ‘sabit’. To avoid being approached, the first thing that you need to do is to not show any interest in the dancer. Do not  give eye contact. Talk to your companion or if you’re alone, get your phone and play games.

There are macho dancers who are so slow they cannot understand these signs. They will still try to approach. What  you can do is to give them the stop sign. Do this as soon as you see a dancer approaching. But do it subtly also because the guy may not really be intending to give you a lap dance. He may just be trying to go a bit nearer.

If the macho dancer still approaches even after you’ve signaled him to stop, it is now your time to make the approach — but not the macho dancer. It is time to approach the floor manager assisting you and complain.

2. I KNOW YOU

It is possible that you will meet somebody you know inside the gay bar. This is an issue if you are someone who is not totally ‘out’ yet —  not all your friends and loved ones know about your preference for men.

If you see someone but you know he has not seen you yet, the best thing to do would be to leave. Leave before he sees you — problem solved.

If he sees you, acknowledge his presence by nodding or smiling. This would hopefully make him think that his seeing you means nothing to you so he won’t make a big fuss out of it outside.

3. FEELING CLOSE

If you table a macho dancer who  turns out to be ‘feeling close’ and you are not comfortable with it, the best thing  to do is to send him away. It’s your choice if you would want him to finish the drinks you gave him or you can just send him away  with the bottles immediately. To do this properly, call the floor manager and explain to her the reason why you are sending him away. This is important so she can talk to the guy and explain to him his mistake. In the long run this is also for his own good.

4. DRUNK MD

There are instances when you will be able to table a drunk macho dancer. It could be because he has been to another table prior or he had been drinking before he reported for work.

To avoid the former, ask first the floor manager if the guy you want to sit with you has been tabled earlier. Then ask the manager if the guy is drunk. If you do not like to have a drunk macho dancer then don’t get him. What if he is your regular? If he is, that means you have observed him previously so you know how he would behave. Decide based on your previous experiences with him. But I think chances are you will still have him with you no matter what haha.

For the latter, do the same. Ask the manager first if the guy is drunk. The manager may not know it if the guy is really drunk so you go blame her later — it is her responsibility to know. If she lies about it, charge her the drinks that would be wasted.

5. YOU  CALL THAT A SHOW?

Gay bars try their best to come up with nice production numbers to entertain their customers. In some bars, they do production numbers that are good they can be presented in a town fiesta program. But most of the time, production numbers are created not for arts sake but just to ‘excite’ the audience. More often than not they achieve what they want to achieve so I guess it’s fine.

But what if you encounter a concept you feel is totally unacceptable? What you can do is to call the waiter, ask for the bill, pay, then leave. Don’t forget your change haha. This is the surest way to not see the offending number.

What if you do not want that kind of number to happen again? You certainly cannot shout ‘STOP’ — you’ll make yourself look like a fool. They’ll tell you ‘LEAVE’. What you can do is to tell the manager that you feel the number went overboard.

Anyway, what can be considered offending gay bar scenes? For me (you may have a different opinion) these are the things that I am not comfortable with

1. dancing minors – there are dancers who are probably minors but do not look like minors so they can pull it off. But there are also those who are so obvious — that is what I do not like.

2. sex act between dancer and impersonator – there are numbers that imply sex. That is fine as long as they are just IMPLIED. I do not like seeing the macho dancers being ‘touched’ by impersonators. This has nothing to do with being prude or what. What if that dancer is my tabled guy? It wouldn’t be nice seeing your guy being ‘used’ by somebody else in front of you, right? — even if it is ‘just’ a production number.

3. exploitative contests – some bars conduct contests like ‘bikini open’ participated in by non gay bar guys. Most of the contestants are teenagers who have gay managers. In some contests the guys are asked to wear skimpy trunks. In others they are asked to wear see through bikinis. There are also others were they are required to really go naked on stage. They chose to  join so its their problem. What I don’t like is when guests are allowed to take pictures and videos of the contestants. Surely these pictures and videos will see print or be posted on youtube. I do no think all these contestants are okay with it. Some of them just didn’t have much choice but to accept it because they need the money. Yes, there are professional contestants in competitions like this — but I am sure not all of them are.

As an addition to being photographed I also do not like the idea that in some contests, the guests are allowed to ‘interact’ with the contestants in ways other than being given the privilege to ask the question. There is absolutely NO need for ‘PRODUCT SAMPLING’ in contests like this. This is not a cooking show so no need for taste testing!

There may be other unexpected things that may happen inside a gay bar but for now these are the situations that I could think of. I hope the tips will help should you be in any of these situations. =)

 

 

 

 

Love Blog – Valentine’s Day Love Bug

•February 14, 2012 • Comments Off on Love Blog – Valentine’s Day Love Bug

No nice post on the blog called love blog. Ironic?

My baby James and I are still supposed to be together. I mean we still have a relationship. But I cannot be with him. He has other plans. He said he is going to his hometown. I’m not sure if I want to believe that.

Having doubts all the time is taxing. I just can’t help it. He keeps on telling lies one after another. He says I don’t trust him. How can I if you do those things over and over.

I’m not sure how long my love for him can sustain this.

Love blog? Is it necessary just because it’s Valentine’s Day. Maybe I am just too absorbed by this love bug called Valentine’s Day. I so ‘unlike’ Hallmark. lol

Conflict of Interest!

•February 14, 2012 • Comments Off on Conflict of Interest!

The main story would have to wait. Too many things have happened and i am not quite sure if I still would like to continue with it. But let me depart from my usual rantings about my baby James. Let me write something about a certain aspect of gaybars that I think is important but never given much attention to by people involved —  gaybar owners, floor managers, macho dancers, models and gaybar guests.

I am talking here about floor managers having relationships with macho dancers. For me this is unethical (that is if there is anything ethical here!)!!!!! I think this should not be allowed by management because there is conflict of interest. How can you fairly ‘present’ a dancer to a guest if you are in a relationship with him. I mean can you honestly tell me that you can  ‘market” (sorry but I cannot think of any better term at this point) the dancer to any guest? Wouldn’t you ‘protect’ him by hiding him from ‘bad’ guests or guest you think could be competition? I  do not think you can fairly do your job if your relationship with a dancer extends to your bedroom. Conflict of interest.

It is a shame to know that there are floor managers who do this. I know the dancers will bite the bait. Who won’t? Money is important! Money is important! Connection to ‘power’ is important. You can be absent for days without getting suspended. For me at the end of the day the floor manager has bigger fault. But the dancers cannot be called blameless as well.

Why am I making this as a big issue? Because I have seen this a number of times. I have experienced this — to quote Ms. Susan Roces — not once but twice. No further explanations needed. I think you know what I mean.

As I am writing this I am also officially breaking the keys on my laptop. I am tapping them so hard they refuse to go back up. I am so pissed. I am pissed because of several things. One, it happened twice. Two, my baby James denied his relationship with that floor manager who looks like a bad guy in a low quality film made by filmmakers with  absolutely no experience. He should model for the ‘men came from apes theory’. Three, he goes out with him and possibly sleeps with him (he said he does not sleep with gays!) Four, I  just cannot stand their faces. I wish I could slam their faces on burning asphalt. Or cut their dicks and drop in a paper shredder. Or maybe remove their fingernails one by one. Gosh I hate them. F@%$$(**^&^^%#$&$K I am so pissed.

February 2 – 10 months after

•February 2, 2012 • Comments Off on February 2 – 10 months after

Just recently I told Andrina that I want to become a director or a scriptwriter. I want to make movies but I just want to be in the background. But you know I now think I will be better as an actor than a director or anyone else behind the cameras. You see I’ve been doing some real life acting workshops and I think I’m doing great. If you know of any ongoing auditions please do let me know.

For the last few weeks people think that I am okay. They think I am happy or at the very least I do not have a lot of pressing concerns. But you know that is only because that is what I want them to think about me. That is what I want them to believe. However, whenever I am alone a lot of things change.

My pillow is a witness to the amount of tears I shed each night. The bathroom walls have heard the stifled sounds of my crying. My keyboard has felt the intensity of my pains.

For the last few weeks my baby James has been treating me shabbily. He has been texting less and less. He didn’t go out of the door of the gay bar when I asked him to come out so I could give him a present I brought for him. He texted me to say I am being ‘maarte’. He hasn’t texted for five days.

I’ve also learned things that are very painful.

I wish these things would stop. Soon if possible. I don’t know if I want it to stop by fixing things up or if I want it to stop by ending the relationship already.

My baby James, we’ve known each other for exactly 10 months. Unfortunately, on this special day  you are not here with me. Where are you now my baby? What ever happened to the good things we’ve shared throughout this 10-month relationship?

Are they all gone forever?

I’m a Jigsaw Puzzle…but The Pieces Don’t Fit Anymore

•January 30, 2012 • Comments Off on I’m a Jigsaw Puzzle…but The Pieces Don’t Fit Anymore

Do you guys know the song The Pieces Don’t Fit Anymore? Here is a copy of the lyrics of that song. This somehow explains my present status with my baby James.  I know I said in my previous post that the next post (this is that post!) would be about the MAIN STORY. But the main story would probably be equivalent to 3 posts so to  give you some hints while waiting for it to get finally posted I give you this song first to enjoy (I can’t though. This makes me cry!)

The Pieces Don’t Fit Anymore 

I’ve been twisting and turning in a space that’s too small
I’ve been drawing the line and watching it fall
You’ve been closing me in , closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart

Well I can’t explain why it’s not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It’s the better thing to do
It’s time to surrender
It’s been too long pretending
There’s no use in trying
When the pieces don’t fit anymore

The pieces don’t fit here anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that’s breaking my skin
Well I’ll hide all the bruises; I’ll hide all the damage that’s done
But I show how I’m feeling until all the feeling has gone

Why I can’t explain why it’s not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It’s the better thing to do
It’s time to surrender
It’s been too long pretending
There’s no use in trying
When the pieces don’t fit anymore
The pieces don’t fit anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that’s breaking my skin
Well I’ll hide all the bruises; I’ll hide all the damage that’s done
But I show how I’m feeling until all the feeling has gone

I don’t know why

Well I can’t explain why it’s not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It’s the better thing to do
It’s time to surrender
It’s been too long pretending
There’s no use in trying
When the pieces don’t fit anymore
The pieces don’t fit anymore

The pieces don’t fit anymore

Oh, don’t misunderstand how I feel
Cause I’ve tried, yes I’ve tried
Still I don’t know why
No I don’t know why

The Dinner Invitation

•January 30, 2012 • Comments Off on The Dinner Invitation

BACKGROUND OF THE STORY

I have always wanted to go out on a date with my baby James. I wanted to feel like we have a real relationship. I wanted to feel as if I’m really his partner. Unfortunately he never asked. Yes, I was hoping then that he would. What was I thinking? I was like a high school girl waiting for the boy of her dreams to ask her out to dinner.

I asked on two occasions if we could go out on a date. The first time he said yes but he has to be given a budget. He didn’t say it bluntly but that was implied. He didn’t deny when I ‘clarified’. I felt sad. That for me is not a real date. I felt like I was really just a guest and not the special baby he wants me to believe. The second occasion was a bit different. I asked him if I am his baby and not just his guest, why can’t we go out on a date without budget involved — like real ‘couples’ do. He said we can. All I  need is to set a time and place.

Anyway, did I feel bad that he never asked me out? Of course I did. But in a way it also has its good point. I wouldn’t have easily said yes had he asked — am I contradicting myself here? Well, I said that because I am not sure if I am ready to be seen outside the gay bar with him. I mean what if we bump into someone I know. And even if nobody significant sees us, I can’t imagine if I am ready for the stares that we’d get from people we’d meet along the way. It can’t be helped. People would look at us and I can’t blame them. If I see a couple like us I probably would stare as well.

ANOTHER BACKGROUND

Yes, another background. Or you may just call this the background and the one as background of the background. Whatever, subheadings shouldn’t matter. You get the idea anyway so..

Andrina know that I am afraid to be seen in public with my baby James. I explained to her my reasons and I think she understood them. But that didn’t mean she approved of my reasons. She was actually convincing me to try it out. She even offered to be our chaperon. She said she and her brother Luigi (Andrina, I hope you wont mind that I am using the this name and the names of others without your permission.) would sit on the next table so should somebody significant arrive, we could all pretend we are a group. I wasn’t convinced. I was just too afraid.

But she gave an invitation that I couldn’t resist. She invited me and my baby James to join the girls who just want to have fun to dinner where each of them will have their own partners. Andrina with her brother Luigi. Ella with Lito. Jess with Red. Don’t react yet. Partners in different levels — not necessarily romantic and definitely not sexual. Just read her post about this to know what I mean.

Anyway, I said yes although I wasn’t sure if my baby would say okay. My baby didn’t know then that I know Andrina, Ella and Jess. Good thing is he did say yes. Then I told him we will be with my friends and their MD ‘dates’. He asked who my friends are and who are the other MDs. I told him it would be a surprise. I thought he would back out but he didn’t, thank God.

A little over a week before the main event I finally met Luigi through Andrina. We had dinner in a restaurant where the food didn’t taste real. Anyway, over dinner I found interesting stuff about my baby. I found out about the extent of his friendship with Luigi. Before the night ended we decided that we shouldn’t tell my baby yet who my friends are. That meant Luigi can’t also tell him he is one of the MDs who will be joining the dinner because James would surely know who the girls are.

After dinner Andrina and I had coffee. Luigi went headed for the gay bar because they have an ‘early’ meeting. Andrina and I chatted about the things we learned from Luigi. We chatted about Ella and Jess. We chatted about the different MDs of interest. While chatting I suddenly felt that I want James to know already who my friends and their dates are. Andrina agreed because we wanted to make sure that he would not to back out. Luigi can help convince him should he have apprehensions. I alerted Luigi before I sent James a text message. When I informed baby James that we will be going out with the girls he got surprised. ‘Bakit, kaibigan mo pala sila?’

My baby felt a little more secure when he learned that we will be with Red, Luigi and Lito. He felt better knowing he would be people he knows  well.

MAIN STORY

Main Story? Not just yet. That would have to be in my next post later.

I just want to tell you the feelings that went through behind all these statement of facts.

1. I felt that James easily said yes just to keep me quiet about dating. Remember, I ‘nagged’ him about going out without budget.

2. I felt he became anxious after saying yes and found out that there will be others. He may have felt I’m going to make him my trophy boy. He only relaxed a bit when he learned there will be other MDs. He still was not so relaxed though because initially I told him they are MDs from other bars.

3. Andrina I know is happy because she wants to see me happy. Whatever apprehensions she has about James I think have been put aside for a while just to make this date happen for me so I could build happy memories with my baby James.

4. I was actually thinking that James might back out the last minute and I’m not sure what  I’d tell the girls.

There you go. Please wait for the MAIN STORY in my next post.